I think it's funny how during the moments when you most want to die, you feel most alive. Whenever I'm angry, I can feel the blood running through my veins and my heart beating and my pulse accelerating. I love making it rise and drop, knowing that I can control myself finally is one of the most comforting things ever. And when I'm most hurt and upset and stabbed by the things this world puts me through, I feel myself breathing in and out... I touch my neck and feel my pulse and I know that I'm alive. I'm here. How? I never know. But I'm here. And that alone... that feeling... that rush of being alive... I hold onto it as long as I can. I know my existence is meaningless to plenty of people... I don't care about that... because to me... in these moments... I feel impenetrable. Indestructible. Every day I wake up to the same routine, but when I'm damaged past all point of recognition one night, and wake up in the morning, I feel this rush... I can't explain it... But even after all that pain, it's the best feeling in the world. I beg for the pain, because without it... I'm not here. I don't feel. Without sadness, there's no happiness. Without death, no life. And when part of me dies, the part that's left feels most alive. It's like the energy transfers. Sometimes I can't see it so positively though. Sometimes it's clear, sometimes it's incredibly foggy. But I think that everything is balanced in the world, good and evil, happy and sad, perfect and flawed... And after all the anger and the sadness and the hurt comes peace and happiness and eventually with time, healing. And the healing... when the scars tighten up and heal themselves... and you look down and realize you're being fixed... it's the best feeling in the world that you can bounce back. At one of those moments, a car could hit me over and over and I would not feel a thing just because of the pain I already went through. Last year, car after car, after car hit me. Over and over and over. My virginity, my first real boyfriend/summer love, my first two times being dumped, my parents actually first announcing that they wanted to get a divorce, my best friend dying, and me realizing that I'm more alone in this world than I could ever put into words. But through all that, I'm still here. My blood pulsing, my hands shaking, my mind racing, my heart pumping... and I think it's all thanks to two people. My best friend, and my boyfriend... Abby and Parker. They keep me real, they keep me on my feet and alive. I can feel her holding me up when I'm about to fall... I can feel her as my muscle, as part of me. And Parker... who's physically here to hold and keep me away from anything that can hurt me. I don't know if I'll ever move on... if I'll ever be able to grow up... But I don't know if I want to leave it all behind. I don't want to lose who I am now. I've lost too much... way too much of myself. I don't know what I want anymore... I'm scared of the future... I don't want to let Abby go... I can't do it. She was mine. Not anybody else's to take. That wasn't fair. And I hope that some day soon... me and Parker can die together and in peace. Because life isn't the life I want without Abby and Parker. They're all I need. They're all I want. But I don't want a future here without her. It doesn't feel right. I can't even remember who I was.
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
My hands are broken,
and time is going on and on it goes,
forever (how long?)
So I got high and,
lived all that life
that I have taken all for granted
Promise me you'll try,
to leave it all behind
'Cause I've elected hell,
lying to myself
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life
You
The only way out
is letting your guard down and never die
forgotten (I know)
Forgive me my love
I stand here all alone
And I can see the bottom
Promise me you'll try,
to leave it all behind
'Cause I've elected hell,
lying to myself
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life
You
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