It's been a while since I've seen the way the candle lights your face, But I still can remember just the way you taste.

I think it's funny how during the moments when you most want to die, you feel most alive. Whenever I'm angry, I can feel the blood running through my veins and my heart beating and my pulse accelerating. I love making it rise and drop, knowing that I can control myself finally is one of the most comforting things ever. And when I'm most hurt and upset and stabbed by the things this world puts me through, I feel myself breathing in and out... I touch my neck and feel my pulse and I know that I'm alive. I'm here. How? I never know. But I'm here. And that alone... that feeling... that rush of being alive... I hold onto it as long as I can. I know my existence is meaningless to plenty of people... I don't care about that... because to me... in these moments... I feel impenetrable. Indestructible. Every day I wake up to the same routine, but when I'm damaged past all point of recognition one night, and wake up in the morning, I feel this rush... I can't explain it... But even after all that pain, it's the best feeling in the world. I beg for the pain, because without it... I'm not here. I don't feel. Without sadness, there's no happiness. Without death, no life. And when part of me dies, the part that's left feels most alive. It's like the energy transfers. Sometimes I can't see it so positively though. Sometimes it's clear, sometimes it's incredibly foggy. But I think that everything is balanced in the world, good and evil, happy and sad, perfect and flawed... And after all the anger and the sadness and the hurt comes peace and happiness and eventually with time, healing. And the healing... when the scars tighten up and heal themselves... and you look down and realize you're being fixed... it's the best feeling in the world that you can bounce back. At one of those moments, a car could hit me over and over and I would not feel a thing just because of the pain I already went through. Last year, car after car, after car hit me. Over and over and over. My virginity, my first real boyfriend/summer love, my first two times being dumped, my parents actually first announcing that they wanted to get a divorce, my best friend dying, and me realizing that I'm more alone in this world than I could ever put into words. But through all that, I'm still here. My blood pulsing, my hands shaking, my mind racing, my heart pumping... and I think it's all thanks to two people. My best friend, and my boyfriend... Abby and Parker. They keep me real, they keep me on my feet and alive. I can feel her holding me up when I'm about to fall... I can feel her as my muscle, as part of me. And Parker... who's physically here to hold and keep me away from anything that can hurt me. I don't know if I'll ever move on... if I'll ever be able to grow up... But I don't know if I want to leave it all behind. I don't want to lose who I am now. I've lost too much... way too much of myself. I don't know what I want anymore... I'm scared of the future... I don't want to let Abby go... I can't do it. She was mine. Not anybody else's to take. That wasn't fair. And I hope that some day soon... me and Parker can die together and in peace. Because life isn't the life I want without Abby and Parker. They're all I need. They're all I want. But I don't want a future here without her. It doesn't feel right. I can't even remember who I was.

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry



My hands are broken,
and time is going on and on it goes,
forever (how long?)
So I got high and,
lived all that life
that I have taken all for granted

Promise me you'll try,
to leave it all behind
'Cause I've elected hell,
lying to myself
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life

You

The only way out
is letting your guard down and never die
forgotten (I know)
Forgive me my love
I stand here all alone
And I can see the bottom

Promise me you'll try,
to leave it all behind
'Cause I've elected hell,
lying to myself
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life

You

Leave Me. [L] (About Ian.)

Saw you for the first time...
In a while...
And I,
Woah I...
Don't even know what to say.
You swept me away.
With just one look in your eyes.
With just one look of my eyes.
And I...
Still need you.
I still need you... Baby....

I can't even breathe,
I need you here with me.
So baby, baby.
Tell me, Tell me.

Did you know that it was...
Something you were going to do?
To leave me?
Bleeding?
Did you know that it was...
Something you were going to do?
To leave me?
Screaming?
For you.

And I can't do this all anymore,
Without you, out here.
Can you hear me screaming?
And crying?

I can't even breathe,
I need you here with me.
So baby, baby.
Tell me, Tell me.

Did you know it was...
Something you were going to do?
To leave me?
Bleeding?
Did you know that it was...
Something you were going to do?
To leave me?
Screaming?

Save me,
Just save me,
And show me...
Who I am.
I am lost.
I am weak.
When I'm around you...
I can hardly speak.
Save me,
Oh save me,
And show me...
Who I was.
I am lost.
And I am weak,
And I am weak.

I can't even breathe,
I need you here with me.
So baby, baby.
Tell me, Tell me.

Did you know that it was...
Something you were going to do?
To leave me?
Bleeding?
Did you know that it was...
Something you were going to do?
To leave me?
Screaming?

Saw you for the first time...
In a while...
And I,
Woah I...
Why am I feeling this way?
Yeah...

Can you even breath?
Do you truly need me?
Oh baby,
I'll tell you, Tell you.

I didn't know that it was...
Something you were going to do...
To leave me...
Bleeding.
I didn't know that it was...
Something you were going to do...
To leave me...
Screaming.
To leave me...
Screaming.
To leave me...
Screaming.
To leave me, screaming.

K. [Without You. Dedicated to Abigail Lipply 10-09-08.]

The songs we once sang to make us free,
Now seem like such a burden to me.
Forgive me,
I'm sorry...
But nothing is the same.

Thought this all would always exist,
But now i know that i musn't resist...
Reality, It's time to face me.
Can somebody tell me...
How did this happen?

The songs we once sang to make us free,
Now seem like such a burden to me.
Forgive me,
I'm sorry...
But nothing is the same.

I can feel you all around me but...
You're not around and I'm stuck in this rut.
Can you tell me how this happened?
I don't know how this happened...
Will someone please tell me... how... this... happened?

The songs we once sang to make us free,
Now seem like such a burden to me.
Forgive me,
I'm sorry.
Still, nothing's the same.

Everything I thought would last forever,
Only lasted two short years,
It doesn't make any sense.
How could this happen?
Who let this happen?

The songs we once sang to make us free,
Are turning into such a burden to me,
Forgive me.
I'm sorry...
Nothing will ever be the same.

I miss you...
Oh, and to kiss you...
It'd be the sweetest thing.
I miss you...
Oh, and to hug you...
I miss you...
Oh, and to feel you...
I miss you...
Oh, and to see you...
It'd be the greatest thing.

Abby, the songs we used to sing to make us free,
Are turning into such a burden without you,
Please come back to me and please...
Forgive me.
I'm sorry...
Nothing will ever be the same.

J. [Hurricane Ian.]

So here I am,
It's been half a year,
Listening to the same song,
But through a different ear.
Thought I could trust you,
Love you,
Want you,
But I don't need you.
And this right here,
It goes out,
So far out.
To all the broken hearts,
Hurricane Ian has destroyed.
Been there, done that,
That's that.
Yet here I am,
It's been half a year,
Listening to the same song,
But through a different ear.
Thought I could trust you,
Love you,
Want you,
But baby, Baby, I don't need you.
Yeah here I am,
It's been half a year,
Listening to your same old song,
But through a different ear.
Thought I could live for you,
Die for you,
Hope for you,
But honey I won't cry for you.
It's only a mistake,
If you don't learn your lesson,
It's only a mistake,
If I don't learn my lesson.
Baby I learned, I learned,
But you're still one big mistake.
So how come I'm still here?
It's been much more than half a year,
Listening to the same song,
But through my other ear.
Even though i held you,
Kissed you,
Fuck you,
I don't need you.
I don't need you.
I don't need you.
So here I am,
It's been half a year,
Listening to the same song,
But through a different ear.
Thought I could trust you,
Love you,
Want you,
But I don't need you.

I. [Mackenzie is a pussy's name.]

So here's to wishful thinking,
I've failed too, too, too many times.
Thought this game was up and over,
Six months ago, Exactly half a year.
But i'm in the same exact spot,
Same exact spot,
Playing the same exact game,
Same exact game,
With everyone but you.
He may not be you but I see,
I see your face in his reflection.
He's definately not you but I see,
I see your twisted grin between his teeth.
He'll never be you but I see,
I see that he's truly just exactly like you.

[Not a Song/Poem, Just Having A Bad Day.]

Fuck people.
Seriously.
Fuck them all.
I fucking hate people.
Especially the people I'm closest to.
Screw them all.
Because I can't even trust my own fucking BROTHER.
So who else can I trust?
Nobody.
Thanks everybody for being so fucking UNTRUSTWORTHY.
You stupid pieces of shit.
I fucking hate you all.

H. [My Own Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes.]

When I was a young thing I never imagined,
Never ever imagined that you'd be so shallow,
So conceited, and so incredibly apathetic.
Tell me what do you do with all that apathy,
Tell me what do you do with all your apathy?
Nothing at all, the one thing I knew...
Nothing at all.

And here goes the last straw,
You think you know me but you don't,
I thought I knew you but boy...
I was wrong. Always wrong,
Never right, Never write...
Me again.

I never imagined I'd fall in love for you...
Fall in love for you just to get caught in a web,
Weaved in your lab as your test subject.
Now I ask what you do with all that apathy,
Tell me what do you do with all that...
Nothing at all, the one thing I know...
Nothing at all.

And here goes the last straw,
You think you know me but you don't,
I thought I knew you but boy...
I was wrong. Always wrong,
Never right, Never write...
Me again.

Said you love me but you don't,
Asked you to share your life but you won't,
Just deny, deny, deny...
But I know the truth...
The one thing i know...
Nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing at all.

And here goes my last straw,
I thought I knew you but I don't,
You thought you knew me but boy...
You were wrong. Always wrong,
Never right, Never write...
Me again.

But kiss me, I'll try to wipe away...
Your apathy... so strong, so cold...
Kiss me, I'm trying to wipe you away...
Wipe you away, wipe you away...

Here it goes, my last straw,
You thought you knew me but you don't...
I thought I knew you but ohhh boy...
I was wrong. Always wrong,
Never right, Never write...
Again.